WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM II (1989)

We all love the 80's B-movie Corman (or Corman-esque) fantasy ripoffs, usually inspired by the Conan movies (and yes, I'm including Red Sonja).  Then there are the even lower budgeted ripoffs of these movies which employ scenes from previous films as stock footage.  Then there is Wizard of the Lost Kingdom, a kidified ripoff of those ripoff ripoffs, which brings it back to a more child friendly Lord of the Rings rip (if your child enjoys shitty 80's movies).  Then there is the even lower budgeted sequel to Wizards of the Lost Kingdom, which not only lifts entire scenes from Barbarian Queen (itself a spinoff from the Deathstalker series), but also contains possibly the laziest fight choreography in the history of shirtless men wielding aluminum foil swords in front of a camera (not including the stock footage, of course).  Plugging in Lana Clarkson sword fighting footage is a pretty cheap way to make your movie awesome, but Lana Clarkson swinging a sword whilst wearing a barbarian bikini is Lana Clarkson swinging a sword whilst wearing a barbarian bikini, no matter how you slice it.  If all of this sounds confusing, don't worry.  You will not be quizzed on this information during finals week because it is useless in the real world and I am the one professor that cares about what goes on in the real world (not the MTV show, you big dumb asshole).
 

So, some brat wearing "ye olde helmet wig" is the chosen one that has the ultimate power to defeat evil if he just believes, blah blah, and he has to find three amulets that are currently in the hands of three evil wizards.  Helping him on his quest is an old good guy wizard and "The Dark One" David Carradine, the greatest fighter in all the land.  So great is his fighting prowess that all he has to do is vaguely swat his sword in the general area of his opponent, or even just lift his leg near their head, and they will instantly drop stone cold fucking dead.  

 

Basically, this takes the ultra cheap 80's fantasy movie and plugs in a kid hero and cartoon noises and silly one-liners (although I like it when a villain refers to The Dark One as "The Dork One", possibly because I am thirteen years old emotionally speaking).  However, there are several out of left field sexual scenes, like when the kid and the wizard visit ye olde exotic dance club to find The Dark One (not to be confused with The Dark One from Robot Holocaust).  

 

Admittedly, the chick never fully strips since the mead is flowing like the Mississippi.  Nudity at an "exotic dance" club is inversely proportional to the amount of liquor served.  If there is not so much as a thimble of beer at a strip club, you'll probably be able to stick your head into her vagina and have a peek.  Just trying to arm the consumer with knowledge. 

Then there's the evil witch who tries to seduce our young hero.  This is pretty awesome as a fantasy for young boys, but I don't know what she could possibly see in him.  Oh well, I guess heroes get all the chicks, even if David Carradine does most of the work.

If all of this sounds terrible, just bear in mind that Sid Haig plays an evil wizard who wears a black cape with feathers. Him and the evil sorceress are both pretty metal, and if this still isn't a metal album cover, I don't know what is:

These two characters really made the movie for me, since the two main heroes are pretty annoying and kidified.  It just goes to show that if you make a stupid cheap movie that is set after the apocalypse or during medieval times, the best move is to make the villains as metal as possible without making them so metal that it becomes incongruous (like having them wear a denim jacket covered in rivets during olden times).  I have nothing else to add, so here is Sid Haig punching a woman in the face.  Goodnight.
 

LEGION OF IRON (1990)

If I had to guess, Diana used to be a bored housewife with money up the wazoo when, one day, she decided to finally be good to herself and appease her inner sexual desires.  Some ladies are content with just schnooking the milkman, but Diana creates an underground society with an entire fleet of soldiers and crowns herself queen, forcing greased up dudes to fight to the death, gladiator style, boinking the victor if she so chooses.  

Sounds like an expensive "to do" just to get your rocks off, but the funding is aided by several high fallutin' businessmen who gamble on the attraction.  Still, it must have cost millions to start the entire enterprise, what with the complex itself and the fleet of soldiers and the helicopter they transport the combatants in after they're kidnapped.  We're talking a level of crotch-fueled devotion that is truly once-in-a-lifetime.

Anyway, Billy and his girlfriend are kidnapped and he is forced to fight for his freedom and his newly distressed damsel.  Billy's pretty slight for an action hero, despite being a football player, but luckily a sweaty dude that occasionally wears a checkered half-shirt trains Billy and turns him into a still slight but not incompetent fighting machine.  That's pretty much the entire plot folks, if you care about such things.

Despite a few wonderfully ludicrous action moments, Legion of Iron is not about action really, but rather, a three-headed monster of confused fashion (a mind altering combination of gladiator wear, 80's futuristic clothes, and low rent late 80's fashion), some of the most homoerotic training sequences I've ever seen (and god knows I've seen some homoerotic training sequences), and the central performance of Erika Nann as the evil queen Diana, slipping into a garish new outfit for every scene and unleashing a catty barrage of dominatrix-isms.  I think the movie is best viewed as some sort of bizarre fetish fashion show rather than an action-packed throwback to those gladiator movies of yore.  In that spirit, here are a bunch of screenshots from the movie, along with three gifs at the end that spoil several of the most WTF action moments.  Enjoy.

SUPER (2010) - gifs

A genuinely smart and hilarious firebombing of the superhero mystique, Super (2010) achieves what Kick-Ass couldn't quite manage.  You see, a dude running around in spandex and beating up people in the real world just isn't clean and logical like it is in comic books or the movies.  Rainn Wilson plays a hopeless schlub whose life is in the shitter, so he decides to dress up like a schmuck (yes, a schlub disguised as a schmuck), dub himself "The Crimson Bolt", and then unleash his hidden violent tendencies and take his schlubby frustrations on people engaging in any kind of criminal behavior.  Any at all.  If he spots some dude buying a dimebag, he pulls out his trusty red wrench and beats him within an inch of his life.  This is why real law and order requires checks and balances; the most morally indigent citizens also tend to be crazies, and justice can be a pretty emotionally childish endeavor.  When the justification for violence is backed by childish emotion, stupidity, or just plain old nutbaggery, bad shit usually results.  Take a look at Mr. Bolt enthusiastically attempting to thwart a purse snatcher:

Here he is conveying psychotic glee over practically killing someone for some mild offense.  Funny shit, no doubt, but I wouldn't want this guy to be my next door neighbor.

In its own way, Super is the most realistic superhero movie of them all.  If Batman was really real, he 'd probably be more like this, even though the Nolan films are considered bcnchmarks of superhero realism.  Just remember kids: vigilante violence just isn't a good idea, no matter how self-righteous you are.  If the city you love has been overrun by crime...fuck it, just move.

APRIL STORY (1998)

Uzuki goes off to college in big city Tokyo, waving goodbye to her family at the train station. She sits down and places her hand on the window, as if to touch her now former life one last time. 



She lies down in her still unfurnished apartment, wistfully soaking in this new space and its exciting possibilities.

 

From her interaction with the movers, we see that Uzuki is shy, awkwardly attempting to help them but just getting in the way.

 

It’s now the first day of school, and one by one the students stand up and introduce themselves. Uzuki waits nervously for her turn, afraid of revealing too much and risk embarrassment. When her turn comes, she says she’s “cheerful by nature” and that she likes listening to records, an answer that would seem to be effectively vague and innocuous. However, the students ask follow-up questions while she nervously plays with the hair, and one student playfully chides her uncool sweater, but this only compounds her embarrassment.




A classmate tries to befriend her at lunch by asking her if she wants to hang out sometime, but Uzuki claims that she is too busy, what with school and getting aclimated to a new life. Then again, maybe she’s just looking for an excuse to be left alone. 

 

However, this same classmate later convinces Uzuki to join the fishing club. This allows Uzuki to finaly integrate herself socially with the student body, despite not having any previous interest in fishing.

 

If she had actually opened up, she might have revealed that her real passion is reading.

 

In fact, she repeatedly bikes down to the local bookstore alone to browse. 



The boy that works there catches her eye, but she can’t bring herself to say anything to him. 

 

She heads back home and, perhaps realizing that she needs to get over her shyness, invites her female neighbor over dinner. 

Uzuki eventually musters up enough courage to head back to the book shop and strike up a conversation with the boy. 



What follows is described as “a miracle of love” by Uzuki, but certainly not in the Hollywood sense. We get the impression that she speaks not of happy endings, but of finding herself.