Friday, July 5, 2013


We all love the 80's B-movie Corman (or Corman-esque) fantasy ripoffs, usually inspired by the Conan movies (and yes, I'm including Red Sonja).  Then there are the even lower budgeted ripoffs of these movies which employ scenes from previous films as stock footage.  Then there is Wizard of the Lost Kingdom, a kidified ripoff of those ripoff ripoffs, which brings it back to a more child friendly Lord of the Rings rip (if your child enjoys shitty 80's movies).  Then there is the even lower budgeted sequel to Wizards of the Lost Kingdom, which not only lifts entire scenes from Barbarian Queen (itself a spinoff from the Deathstalker series), but also contains possibly the laziest fight choreography in the history of shirtless men wielding aluminum foil swords in front of a camera (not including the stock footage, of course).  Plugging in Lana Clarkson sword fighting footage is a pretty cheap way to make your movie awesome, but Lana Clarkson swinging a sword whilst wearing a barbarian bikini is Lana Clarkson swinging a sword whilst wearing a barbarian bikini, no matter how you slice it.  If all of this sounds confusing, don't worry.  You will not be quizzed on this information during finals week because it is useless in the real world and I am the one professor that cares about what goes on in the real world (not the MTV show, you big dumb asshole).

So, some brat wearing "ye olde helmet wig" is the chosen one that has the ultimate power to defeat evil if he just believes, blah blah, and he has to find three amulets that are currently in the hands of three evil wizards.  Helping him on his quest is an old good guy wizard and "The Dark One" David Carradine, the greatest fighter in all the land.  So great is his fighting prowess that all he has to do is vaguely swat his sword in the general area of his opponent, or even just lift his leg near their head, and they will instantly drop stone cold fucking dead.  

Basically, this takes the ultra cheap 80's fantasy movie and plugs in a kid hero and cartoon noises and silly one-liners (although I like it when a villain refers to The Dark One as "The Dork One", possibly because I am thirteen years old emotionally speaking).  However, there are several out of left field sexual scenes, like when the kid and the wizard visit ye olde exotic dance club to find The Dark One (not to be confused with The Dark One from Robot Holocaust).  


Admittedly, the chick never fully strips since the mead is flowing like the Mississippi.  Nudity at an "exotic dance" club is inversely proportional to the amount of liquor served.  If there is not so much as a thimble of beer at a strip club, you'll probably be able to stick your head into her vagina and have a peek.  Just trying to arm the consumer with knowledge. 

Then there's the evil witch who tries to seduce our young hero.  This is pretty awesome as a fantasy for young boys, but I don't know what she could possibly see in him.  Oh well, I guess heroes get all the chicks, even if David Carradine does most of the work.

If all of this sounds terrible, just bear in mind that Sid Haig plays an evil wizard who wears a black cape with feathers. Him and the evil sorceress are both pretty metal, and if this still isn't a metal album cover, I don't know what is:

These two characters really made the movie for me, since the two main heroes are pretty annoying and kidified.  It just goes to show that if you make a stupid cheap movie that is set after the apocalypse or during medieval times, the best move is to make the villains as metal as possible without making them so metal that it becomes incongruous (like having them wear a denim jacket covered in rivets during olden times).  I have nothing else to add, so here is Sid Haig punching a woman in the face.  Goodnight.


  1. Evil sorceress chick has some pretty righteous mall hair.

    1. I was going to say crucial, but I think righteous is more apropos.

  2. Worst headband ever. It actually looks like it impairs vision a little.