LEGION OF IRON (1990)
If I had to guess, Diana used to be a bored housewife with money up the wazoo when, one day, she decided to finally be good to herself and appease her inner sexual desires. Some ladies are content with just schnooking the milkman, but Diana creates an underground society with an entire fleet of soldiers and crowns herself queen, forcing greased up dudes to fight to the death, gladiator style, boinking the victor if she so chooses.
Sounds like an expensive "to do" just to get your rocks off, but the funding is aided by several high fallutin' businessmen who gamble on the attraction. Still, it must have cost millions to start the entire enterprise, what with the complex itself and the fleet of soldiers and the helicopter they transport the combatants in after they're kidnapped. We're talking a level of crotch-fueled devotion that is truly once-in-a-lifetime.
Anyway, Billy and his girlfriend are kidnapped and he is forced to fight for his freedom and his newly distressed damsel. Billy's pretty slight for an action hero, despite being a football player, but luckily a sweaty dude that occasionally wears a checkered half-shirt trains Billy and turns him into a still slight but not incompetent fighting machine. That's pretty much the entire plot folks, if you care about such things.
Despite a few wonderfully ludicrous action moments, Legion of Iron is not about action really, but rather, a three-headed monster of confused fashion (a mind altering combination of gladiator wear, 80's futuristic clothes, and low rent late 80's fashion), some of the most homoerotic training sequences I've ever seen (and god knows I've seen some homoerotic training sequences), and the central performance of Erika Nann as the evil queen Diana, slipping into a garish new outfit for every scene and unleashing a catty barrage of dominatrix-isms. I think the movie is best viewed as some sort of bizarre fetish fashion show rather than an action-packed throwback to those gladiator movies of yore. In that spirit, here are a bunch of screenshots from the movie, along with three gifs at the end that spoil several of the most WTF action moments. Enjoy.
If I had to guess, Diana used to be a bored housewife with money up the wazoo when, one day, she decided to finally be good to herself and appease her inner sexual desires. Some ladies are content with just schnooking the milkman, but Diana creates an underground society with an entire fleet of soldiers and crowns herself queen, forcing greased up dudes to fight to the death, gladiator style, boinking the victor if she so chooses. 
Sounds like an expensive "to do" just to get your rocks off, but the funding is aided by several high fallutin' businessmen who gamble on the attraction. Still, it must have cost millions to start the entire enterprise, what with the complex itself and the fleet of soldiers and the helicopter they transport the combatants in after they're kidnapped. We're talking a level of crotch-fueled devotion that is truly once-in-a-lifetime. 
Anyway, Billy and his girlfriend are kidnapped and he is forced to fight for his freedom and his newly distressed damsel. Billy's pretty slight for an action hero, despite being a football player, but luckily a sweaty dude that occasionally wears a checkered half-shirt trains Billy and turns him into a still slight but not incompetent fighting machine. That's pretty much the entire plot folks, if you care about such things.
Despite a few wonderfully ludicrous action moments, Legion of Iron is not about action really, but rather, a three-headed monster of confused fashion (a mind altering combination of gladiator wear, 80's futuristic clothes, and low rent late 80's fashion), some of the most homoerotic training sequences I've ever seen (and god knows I've seen some homoerotic training sequences), and the central performance of Erika Nann as the evil queen Diana, slipping into a garish new outfit for every scene and unleashing a catty barrage of dominatrix-isms. I think the movie is best viewed as some sort of bizarre fetish fashion show rather than an action-packed throwback to those gladiator movies of yore. In that spirit, here are a bunch of screenshots from the movie, along with three gifs at the end that spoil several of the most WTF action moments. Enjoy.
First off, are you trying to kill me? And secondly, are you? Seriously, from looks of it, and believe me, I've looked at it, it seems like you're trying to put me in one of those early grave thingies. I mean, take a quick glance at what you just posted, it's insane.
ReplyDeleteWhat I think I'm trying to say is, me want to watch this movie.
Oh, and nice use of the phrase "distressed damsel." It's like the more common "damsels in distress," but slightly different.
I was trying to gaslight you actually. Maybe I over did it.
ReplyDeleteIt's on Youtube, but beware of the synth score.
Oscar Wilde is reading this in heaven as we speak, slapping himself in the head out of frustration that he didn't come up with that first. My blog is actually super popular in heaven for some reason. It's like that indie Canadian band that nobody knows about but they claim they are "huge in Japan".
The woman in the 20th picture (?). I think, it's the one below the picture that says "FREEDOM" in the background. Anyway, she looks a lot like Brad Pitt in drag. Look at it and tell me it's not so.
ReplyDeleteAnd, ohmycrap, a hang-glider fight?! This is better than when Ator invented one in Cave Dwellers.
It's the cheekbones I think.
DeleteI imagine it's hard to fly a hangglider and beat somebody up at the same time, let alone if it's something you've never practiced before.