Thursday, March 17, 2011

THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY (1987) - indeed, it's the last of the slumber parties, having just been raped out of a beautiful dream

If Halloween is the blueprint for the slasher film, The Last Slumber Party is what happens when you photocopy that blueprint, photocopy that photocopy, and on and on, until the blueprint is a barely readable mess, mind bending in its abstract opacity. It is the nadir to Halloween’s zenith, an art form driven into the ground with such fierce abandonment as to demand begrudging respect, if not outright worship.

The “film” looks to be shot on 16mm and later edited on video, by a “cinematographer” who, incredibly, never manages a proper exposure throughout the entire film. This makes it look like the home movie that Christmas when grandma was given camera duties after getting totaled on egg nog. Also, certain insert shots look to be shot with a camcorder. I guess that’s what happens when you need to shoot 2nd unit and can only afford to rent one film camera. Flubbed lines are kept in the film, including one lengthy, shitty shot where three girls are walking. Our final girl, Chris, forgets her line, so she asks the other actress what her dialogue is. She says the line out loud, and Chris promptly repeats it and the scene continues. This would normally call for a second take in most movies, but the filmmakers wisely figured that, at this point, no one was going to give a shit. In fact, a happy accident is probably preferred to whatever horseshit was scripted to begin with.

Particularly annoying in the scripting department are the drunk mulletheads who keep jiving each other with facsimiles of “hey homo, grab me another beer!” I’d like to believe that this is meant as a critique of the male herd instinct, but maybe that’s just how real people talk. Chris also constantly chimes in on the manhood of the male characters, repeating facsimiles of “don’t be such a homo!”, ad nauseum.

So, basically, three girls are having a slumber party, and a killer surgeon is running around unconvincingly slitting people’s throats with a scalpel. Seven particular aspects shine through like beacons of hope, keeping it from the depths of being the fifth rate Slumber Party Massacre rip-off it’s clearly aiming for.

1. In particular, the twist ending, in which the following happens:

A. It was all a dream!

B. The killer surgeon is real, just like in the dream!

C. There is a second killer surgeon who appears and kills the first killer surgeon!

D. The final girl is harassed by her dead friend, just like in her dream!

E. She accidently kills an innocent victim in her understandably paranoiac state!

F. She kills the remaining killer surgeon (that would be surgeon number two) and survives!

G. The next morning, all of the bodies have disappeared from the house, and somebody has mopped up the blood with stunning thoroughness!

H. The lead girl’s father (a surgeon, but apparently not a killer??? maybe a red herring????) comes home, can’t find his daughter, and goes back to work, only to be killed by a third killer surgeon at the hospital!

I. The father’s body is magically transported from the hospital back to his house, and dumped in the swimming pool!

J. The daughter finds the body in the pool, and, all of a sudden, the killer surgeon (presumably the third one, but who the hell knows at this point) pops out of the water and slits her throat!

K. She wakes up and B. through J. was all a dream!

L. She utters the line “I just had a nightmare within a nightmare! I must be fucking crazy!!” (not exactly a twist, but I think it deserves its own slot regardless)!

M. The fourth killer surgeon appears, and this one appears to be “real” (I guess the other three were dream surgeons). Maybe it would be more accurate to say the real surgeon killer is the first one, and numbers 2-4 were the dream surgeons, but I’m not going back and changing it. Regardless…the slaughter continues!!!

N. The movie ends!!!

O. The credits start to roll!!!

P. During the credits, a metal song plays!!!

Q. The song is called “It’s Just a Nightmare”!!!

R. How apropos!!!

2. There is a Xanadu poster above a girl’s bed. She needs to hook up with the guy from the movie Deranged (1980) that sports a sleeveless Xanadu t-shirt. Oh wait, no, he’s gay. Never mind.

3. That metal song...and the other metal songs. Courtesy of Firstryke. Thanks boys.

4. The dance the girls do to a Firstryke song in which they hold each other’s shoulders and shake their heads in a confused yet deliberate manner.

5. Did I mention the band was called "Firstryke"?

6. Look how many fucking twists to the ending there are! Just look! A little ways up. Jesus H. Christ.

7. Oh yeah…it’s fucking spelled "Firstryke".

My brain hurts. Seriously. Fuck you people. I don't care anymore. I'm done.

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