Sunday, January 9, 2011

SHOWER OF BLOOD (2004) - the no budget Boxing Helena of dumb vampire movies

You can watch the entire movie right on Youtube for free. All told, a solid investment.

I see the title "Shower of Blood", and it seems like it's meant to be a slightly poetic description of some unfathomable horror, an onslaught of violence and terror so unspeakable that only vague metaphor will suffice. It was said that, during the shower of blood, the lacerated sky wept crimson tears, or whatever sad bastard art school flight of verbal fancy you wanna throw out there.

Much to my surprise, the movie is actually about a shower nozzle that shoots out blood instead of water. Here is a film that cuts through the bullshit of verbal whimsy in order to totally fucking deliver on the promise of it's title. Buy this DVD and you'll see people (mostly hot chicks) taking actual blood showers. I find this sort of literal minded approach refreshing, although I worry that whoever created this pile of horseshit was simply incapable of approaching the titling of their movie with anything but the simpleminded slapping on of a label.

Well, the movie features your typical group of "teenaged" schmucks staying at a creepy house and taking a lot of showers (you gotta meet expectations, like I was saying). The home belongs to the lead girl's creepy vampire child molester uncle (he doesn't molest vampire children, he's just a vampire that looks like a child molester, if you follow), and he eventually pops in to kill them off and make shitty vampire puns (all of which I have completely forgotten, so no examples). There's an alpha male of the group whose sole character trait is that he drinks beer at every waking moment, but yet is never drunk. Either it's a dig at those machismo males who hide their insecurities behind the brewskis, or maybe the director is trying to say that beer is like really really really awesome and stuff.

There's also a hot blonde virgin who likes to get naked, yet perpetually rebuffs the advances of her annoying boyfriend. In one particular scene, she's taking a shower in one of several erotic filler sequences that is accompanied by some eroto-muzak. Remember watching Boxing Helena (don't we all) and quixotically smirking during the protracted "erotic" bedroom scene where that shitty Enigma song was playing? It's sort of a retarded skid row version of that, minus the quixotitude, of course (assuming that's a word).

Well, the boyfriend decides to join her in the shower, but this offends her virginal sensibilities. She yells at him, saying something like "somebody should slap you!", before immediately slapping him. In a movie filled with amusingly stupid dialogue, this is my favorite line. Imagine saying to someone during a heated argument that their selfish ways will come back to bite them, and then actually fucking biting them. Comedic genius I say. I'm gonna try that one sometime. I'll just have to be careful not to bite too hard. There's a fine line between a wonderfully witty pun in action versus a psychotic animalistic assault. Also, if you're a dude, don't try this on a male Twilight fan, as this will appease their most deep seated fantasy, turning them extra gay and causing them to fall in obsessive love with you. Unless you're into that sort of thing, then by all means have at it.

I guess one might think that this is some sort of masterpiece of accidental comedy, with the stilted idiotic dialogue, the Commodore Amiga CGI effects, the hilarious attempts at softcore vampiric erotica, and just random inexplicable nonsense, like a cameo from the Mona Lisa (a replica of the painting, not the Bob Hoskins movie). Oh yeah, there's this scene:

However, director Tiffany Kilbourne may in fact have wrought this foolishness with a guiding comedic hand. The tipoff is the various comedic noises that permeate the film. Again, nothing funny enough that you would remember a week after seeing the film, but I'm sure there was something like an overdubbed Casio fart noise when somebody bent over. It takes a subtle, John Water-esque genius to be able to pull this type of intentional camp off, and Ms. Kilbourne almost does so against all odds. She should make a baby with fellow cinematic auteur Tommy Wiseau. Their child would probably grow up to be the greatest film director the world has ever seen, in some sort of magical chromosomal inversion. Come to think of it, Shower of Blood sort of comes across as a vastly more vampiric The Room, at a vastly lower budget. Very few no budget camp hacks get to work with the lavish budgets that Wiseau does.

Of course, all of these "comedy" sounds could have been conceived of in post-production, after she had realized that the movie was in fact laughable nonsense, instead of the post-Anne Rice erotic vampire opus she had hoped to unleash upon a receptive public. I don't really give a shit either way. The whole thing is entertaining as balls, no matter what was intended from the outset. Granted, I.Q. points will seep out of your head during the entire run time, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. So, in summary, I used to be really really really really smart, but now I'm more like a normal person! Thank you Shower of Blood! When I'm at a party, or in some other social situation, and somebody asks me a question, I no longer over analyze the situation or scoff at their trite inquiries. Instead, I jump into exuberant action with a response, like "YES I WATCH THAT T.V. SHOW AND IT IS GREAT AND I NEVER MISS IT!", or "YES, WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE WEATHER, IT IS ANNOYING!". I suddenly feel like an old dog with a new trick.

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