Here's a trailer of Senor Naschy's anti-Satan/God opus.
If you trust in old timey Catholic morality (and god only knows why you would), you might assume witches to be an earthly incarnation of evil. After all, they hang out with SATAN, and that asshole knows no bounds. Just for fun, he might sneak up on a child sleeping in his bed, stroking his demon cock until he shoots a load of fire ants right onto his innocent little head. Now, I’m no entomologist (I can barely spell the word…thank you Mr. Spellchecker!), but a bunch of fire ants scurrying across a pair of Spongebob pajamas is gotta spell trouble, as flammable as those things are. Either way, that’s no company to keep.
relevant footage begins at 2:30
However, if you’ve seen the movie Practical Magic, you know that witches are really just hotter and flakier versions of you and I. Unfortunately, the movie’s release was a relatively recent event in history, leaving the bulk of humanity without the benefit of hindsight. One unfortunate result of this was the Spanish inquisition, where witches (usually hot chicks) get tortured, raped and burned on a stake (if they survived all of the rape and torture) to satisfy the sadean urges of those claiming the moral high ground. Listen folks, it should be pretty apparent to everybody by now. If you torture somebody long enough, they’ll admit to ANYTHING. Hell, if you tickle my toes long enough, I’ll admit to bombing Pearl Harbor.
Well, we have Spanish horror legend Paul Naschy directing and starring in his own version of The Witchfinder General, albeit with hot naked Euro chicks instead of hot semi-clothed British chicks (pretty righteous ether way). He plays a grand inquistor in 16th century France who falls in love with the mayor’s daughter (the insanely gorgeous Daniela Giordano, of Four Times That Night), and worries she may have a little devil in her (she is smoking hot, after all). He tries to explain to her how much of an asshole Satan is, even resorting to showing her a book with a bunch of awesome early D & D style drawings of Satan and his minions (like Beezlebub, which I thought was an alias for Satan, but whatever). Normally, he would just throw her on a rack and call it a day, but he’s got a major crush on her (also, he probably doesn’t want to piss off the mayor by setting his daughter on fire). He has no qualms about torturing peasant women he doesn’t have the hots for, and yet, he insists on doing so while they’re topless. I guess that’s just one of the many mysterious contradictions human beings are capable of.
Well, Paul wakes up one night, seeing a vision of Daniela wearing a red dress, tempting him, followed by Death himself (played by Paul “Mr. Versatile” Naschy). He whips himself in the back with a cat o’ nine tails to quelch his desire, perhaps realizing that his vision of her as an evil temptress is entirely of his own making. Well, Daniela’s true stripes are revealed when she severs the head of a rotting corpse, taking it home to use it in a satanic worship. Naked, sitting in a pentagram surrounded by candles, holding this maggot infested head, she "heads" full bore into Satan worship, which is a pretty ballsy career move circa the Spanish inquisition. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t blame her for going over to the darkside, not if the “light” means a bunch of sanctimonious assholes looking to torture innocent people. I guess when the young rebel against the stupidity of their elders, they tend to go completely in the other direction. Either way, this leads to an awesome satanic ritual, the kind you only find in a 70’s euro horror movie. You’ll just have to watch the fucking thing yourself (no Youtube clips, on account of dominant puritan mores that exclude wholesome mammary goodness supplemented with satanic overtones). Either way, it’s my kind of party. By the way, Naschy also plays Satan. Not only did he cast himself in the role of the guy that boinks Daniela Giordano as Satan, he also cast himself as the lead character who boinks her as a man of god. Did I mention he wrote the screenplay? Christ what a one man band. He’s like the euro horror Hasil Adkins.
The awesome twist ending (fuck you M. Night Shymalalalalalananananan) has Daniela, now a full blown witch, seducing grand inquisitor Naschy, revealing him as a piece of shit hypocrite and satanic sympathiser. After all, if you’re the grand poobah of the Spanish inquisition, you can’t be screwing a devil lady. People aren’t gonna take your commands to torture people seriously. However, Daniela doesn’t really give a shit about Naschy. It’s all a brilliant plan to crush the inquisition hirearchy from within. She squarely states that she is in love with the lord of darkness, yelling out “I NEED HIM!”. I’m sure he’s down sweetheart. So, when one of the inquisitor flunkies finally interrogates Daniela, bracing himself for a “titilating” seven hour naked torture rack session, she immediately proclaims that, yes, she is in league with Satan.
Oh, and by the way…she’s boinking the grand inquistor. To the bonfire she goes, like Joan of Arc before her…or was it after? My sense of history is frankly shite. Well, the net result is that she gets to hang out with Satan, drinking J & B in his hottub of flames, while taking down the head asshole responsible for all of this witch torturing horseshit (probably to be soon replaced by someone else, but still). That there is a fucking hero, dying for what she believes in, and making the world a better place in the process. Frankly it’s a great twist ending, although I probably should’ve seen it coming. Really I should have.