BIG MONEY RUSTLAS (2010)

I’d like to think I’m hip to the jive, folks. I enjoy a little hippa to the hoppa now and again. You know, to where I just can’t stoppa. However, homey don’t play willful ignorance. In fact, he thinks it’s a scourge upon the human race. When the Insane Clown Posse decried to the heavens “fucking magnets, how do they work?”, chalking them up to a miracle, they cemented themselves as ignorant. The reality of how magnets work is readily available to anybody with access to the internet or a local library. The Posse is under the faulty assumption that just because they don’t understand something, that means that nobody could possibly understand it, and therefore, it must be magic. That’s not keepin’ it real folks. Yup yup. 

Well, the old west town of Mud Bump has a big problem. Namely, there’s a fat clown in town who talks like a wigger (he especially likes the word “muthafucka”). If that wasn’t bad enough, him and his cronies are terrorizing the town, whether cheating at cards and blowing away anybody who argues for the sake of fairness, or shaking down local businesses for cash. The fat clown was previously responsible for offing the sheriff (Ron Jeremy, because why not) and his two sons, one of which was a flaming gay guy, I guess because “hey look at that dude, he’s a homo! HA HA!”. 

Enter the skinny clown, the son of Ron Jeremy, who rides into town seeking justice and order, but not after offering his sexual services to the hot wife of a struggling wagon family. I guess he is such a pimp that his crotch is a poverty erasing gift from the gods. Later, there’s even a montage of him getting jiggy with Bridget the Midget, scored to a crap synth ripoff of the theme from Once Upon a Time in the West. I’d like to think this is meant to be ironic, but based on the surrounding film, I have to assume it’s a combination of the composer being lazy and the assertion that a little porn star with little arms must be amusing to look at. 

Anyway, the skinny clown is aided by a masked Mexican hero named Dirty Sanchez (of course) in his quest to defeat the bad guys and restore order to Mud Bug like his father once did. Oh, he does hire a deputy (Jason Mewes), but he’s just as spineless as the current sheriff. This leads to the best attempt at humor in the film where Mewes asks “how do I know I won’t get shot?”. The skinny clown responds with “tell you what; if you get shot and die, I’ll double your paycheck”. That’s as a good as it gets folks. There is a guy with a giant foot, and a reoccurring gag where the skinny clown slaps somebody for no reason, if that’s your bag. 

There are also “celebrity” cameos that I think are supposed to be funny, whether it’s Brigitte Nielson, Vanilla Ice, Jimmie Walker, Todd Bridges, or Tom Sizemore. At least they are getting paychecks out of this. Wait a second, I don’t actually care if those people find work or not. Never mind. Incredibly, David Yow from The Jesus Lizard has a “cameo” as a piano player, but I gotta assume he was just hired as an actor. I have a hard time imagining that ICP were interested in giving a shout out to the Lizard in their so-called cowboy comedy, but maybe I am too quick to doubt their taste in indie rock. 

The whole thing feels like a vanity piece strictly for fans of ICP, and I’m more of a Digable Planets kind of guy; call me a pussy if you will. So I guess these fans wanna see the fat clown say “muthafucka” and shoot people for no reason, and the skinny clown slap people and boink any woman he wants. However, this obviously doesn’t make for an interesting story, but neither does it make for good comedy. It’s the same reason why a douchebag stand-up comedian talking about how much he gets laid isn’t funny. Vulnerability, pathos, and failure are keys to comedy, but I guess ICP places tough guy posturing above all. Considering this posturing takes place in a fantasy world, it strikes me as nothing more than empty bravado. 

P.S. This was written as part of Project Terrible hosted by Alec over at Mondo Bizarro, who also deviously chose this movie for me to review.  Devious I say!