BLOODRAYNE: THE THIRD REICH (2010) - where would humanity be without hot vampire chicks that like to wear leather and beat up bad guys in that order?

Nazis. I’m tired of these fucks. Look, if you’re gonna be an asshole and hate an entire culture, at least have a reason. Even then, you can just stay away from these people. I hate douchebags, and for good reason, but you don’t see me using copies of Maxim magazine to lure them into a cattle car. I just stay away from trendy dance clubs (not that they woud let me in). Our heroine feels much the same way I do, and the movie begins with her explaining in voice over who the Nazis are and why they are bad. After all, not everybody is a history major. She ends the lesson with the phrase “…fucking Nazis”. It’s good to know we’re on the same wavelength.

Basically, Bloodrayne (Natassia Malthe) is a hot chick in leather with red streaks in her hair (a nice touch, by the way). She’s also a half-vampire that runs around with two swords and hacks up vampires. She hacked up vampires in 18th century Transylvania in the first movie, she hacked up some more vampires in the American west in the second movie, and now it’s World War II and she’s hacking up...Nazis? I guess they had superseded vampires in the evil department by that point, especially since Bloodrayne had no doubt wiped a lot of those bloodsuckers out in the intervening years. Specifically, she is assisting a Jewish resistance group led by Nathaniel (Brendan Fletcher) on an attack on these Nazis, headed by Commandant Michael Pare (Michael Pare). Rayne has no problem taking care of a bunch of uzi-toting Nazis with her swords at point blank range, and she quickly dispatches Commandant Pare by impaling him with a pole. If you were once an up-and-coming star (Eddie and the Cruisers) and you currently find yourself playing a Nazi in the third entry of a series directed by Uwe Boll and you die ninety seconds into the movie, perhaps your career isn’t on the right track. Just perhaps.

Oh wait…Pare becomes a Nazi vampire through absurd coincidence, and Bloodrayne is to blame. You try to help a nice Jewish boy end the Holocaust, and you end up creating Nazi vampires instead. You just can’t win folks. Anyway, Pare lives on and teams up with Nazi doctor Clint Howard (Clint Howard), who just happens to be currently experimenting on a vampire, employing rigid mad scientist protocol (he pokes at the vampire with a scalpel until he is covered in blood from head to toe). After a game of chess (Pare loses to Howard and awesomely crushes a glass in his hand in frustration), they put their minds together and come up with a master mad scientist plan. They will create a race of Nazi vampires and eventually turn Master Adolf (Adolf Hitler) into a vampire himself, so the Third Reich can live on forever. In order to do so, they need to capture Rayne and use her blood. If this is whole setup seems a tad ridiculous, just keep in mind that the important thing is that it sets up a showdown between the Nazis and the half-vampire chick that chops people’s arms off whilst showing off her rack.

Before things get that far, Bloodrayne has an important side quest, going undercover to infiltrate a brothel in order to…well, I’m not quite sure. I guess her goal is to initiate a brothel scene. In order to maintain her cover, she is forced to receive a nude oil massage, but she quickly ditches her cover when she happens upon a Nazi soldier in tighty whities beating up a prostitute. After dispatching this guy, she is rewarded with free lesbian sex by a topless prostitute. It’s these kinds of moronic scenes in exploitation movies that make life worthwhile folks.

I’m a Uwe Boll fan (stop chuckling), and the third Bloodrayne delivers his patented blend of absurd exploitation scenes, camp performances delivered in awkward accents, and nihilistic black humor (like when a Nazi nonchalantly shoots a Jewish woman in the head while continuing to hold a conversation). These Bloodrayne movies remind me in a way of the original Charlie’s Angels series, where hot chick heroes were inexplicably dropped into different genres, whether a "Ten Little Indians" plot or a redneck racing plot, in order to look good and take care of business. Anyway, I have an idea for the next Bloodrayne movie. Rayne inexplicably finds herself boarding United 93 on the morning of 9/11, only to find that vampires masquerading as Al-Qaeda hijackers plan to take over the plane. Make it happen Uwe.