There’s nothing cooler than a big ass gothy house, complete with cobwebs, lightning flashes, candles galore, and a roaring fireplace. Now there’s an always a chance you may get dismembered by a hunchback, or possibly raped by a ghost, but hey, that’s part of the fun. Dana Kimmel (of Friday the 13th 3-D pseudo fame) understands this attraction, and gets good and cozy in just such a house, reading a mystery novel (cleverly titled “Murder Mystery”, with a cover that steals the artwork from director Jim Sotos’ previous film, Forced Entry, which itself is a remake of a porno rape movie of the same name). She is captivated by the printed page, but is interrupted by a mysterious noise that demands a looksee. She opens the front door and, what do you know, a zombie covered in fog is standing there! Oh never mind, it was all a dream. Mother of balls.
Down at the good ole’ boy bar (that’s the place where rednecks get together to complain about the negroes), a serene Indian saunters in. A drunken cowboy proposes the question "what the shit is that?", conveying the character’s lack of familiarity with other cultures. "Tonto Jr.” then walks in (he goes by the name “Jason” when not in a roadhouse filled with racists) and saves the day by compacting some white trash with his fists (this scene would later be copied in the horseshit Steven Seagal vehicle On Deadly Ground). Buff redskin Jason is immediately hit on by Melissa, the titular sweet sixteen girl, who both looks sixteen and spends the movie either getting laid or taking showers. He declines and drives off, so Melissa slinks off with two white dudes instead, one of whom succinctly proclaims "my name is Johnny and this is my truck". They of course end up smoking reefer and making out on an Indian burial ground, and poor Johnny gets his stoned ass cut up after the “date” commences.
The next morning, Melissa wakes up and takes a shower, showing off her soon to be sixteen-year-old body (that would actually make her fifteen and naked…oh no worries, it’s all make believe!). Dana is still reading her book and proclaims "I knew it…the gardener did it!". Her dad is sheriff Bo Hopkins, and he’s on the case about that missing stoner with the truck. Incredibly, he brings his two kids along (Dana and bro) to help with the investigation. Poor Dana is the one that actually stumbles upon Johnny's body, and the trauma of the event shocks her into giving a zoom-in, slow-mo triple take. At school, Dana notices Melissa eating an apple, and this prompts the sensuous "Melissa ballad" to kick in. “Oh Sweet Melissa" he croons on the soundtrack. Yes, she may have some sugar to give, and Tommy the quarterback seems to be next on the list, now that what’s-his-name is deceased.
The townspeople seem oblivious to the fact that there’s a mad killer running loose, all except plucky Dana. She has gleaned vast reservoirs of knowledge from the generic supermarket thrillers she reads inside and outside of her dreams. The quarterback is the next to get it, and Melissa is the one that stumbles upon the body this time.
Bo, always on the lookout for clues and new angles on the case, heads out to the cabin of the old Indian from earlier. His name is Grey Feather, a pretty generic name for an Indian if you ask me. I like the ones based on specific actions, like “He Who Headbutted a Bear in the Crotch, Then Ran Away Like His Ass Got Shot Out of a Cannon”. Unfortunately, he seems to be hanging from his neck, stiff as a board. Suicide? Well, Bo believes he was murdered. So far, only Melissa’s boyfriends have gotten the short end of the stick, so, if Mr. Grey was indeed murdered, it follows that he may have been banging Melissa incognito. Let’s hope we don’t get any flashbacks to this particular event.
After the funeral, Dana confronts Melissa, and blames her for Grey Feather's death, to which Melissa replies "what's a grey feather?". Ha ha, other cultures are funny. Dana replies by calling her a “stupid little bitch”, but they quickly make up and become friends again. Meanwhile, Jason becomes the chief suspect, and gets tossed in a holding cell. Melissa then checks herself out in a brand new gown, while that ballad plays again. At her sweet sixteen barbecue spectacular, Melissa rips off her new dress to go skinny dipping with some dude, while Jason stalks them under the moonlight (he escaped from jail earlier). To make matters worse, two rednecks descend on the pond to urinate, and notice that some hot young stuff is doing some aquatic nude frolicking. This sets the stage for the confusing twist ending (I’ll spare you the nonsensical details).
Afterwards, Melissa, wrapped in a blanket, and with that ballad blaring, clutches a knife while the camera slowly zooms in on her face. She has those crazy eyes, the kind that facilitates sequels (though none were ever filmed). Although many characters in the film ended up being shocked and dismayed that those who got busy with a fifteen-year-old girl ended up mutilated, it really doesn’t surprise me in the least. What happens when you’re having sex with a fifteen-year-old girl and her father walks in? He kills you, that’s what…or cuts your balls off, at the very least.
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