Wednesday, August 24, 2011

METTA META GAKIDO KOZA (1971) - that's Japanese for "a sex comedy from the mind of a raving lunatic"

Puberty can be tough time for a boy. Our young hero desperately wants to shag some little sweetie pie, but is completely ill-equipped to do so. And by ill-equipped, I do mean "ill-equipped". His little fun buddy is so tiny he needs a magnifying glass to spot it (quite literally), and when he goes off to pee in a field, a bunch of Japanese schoolgirls notice his non-existent package, and they all point and laugh. When sexual frustration collides with penile inadequacy, there is only one solution…suicide.

Sort of like a junior high version of Lane Meyer from Better Off Dead, our little hero tries to kill himself but frankly blows ass at suicide. He lies down on some train tracks, but the train actually passes on the adjacent tracks. He then tries to lynch himself on a ferris wheel, but unfortunately some kind of bird man superhero saves him. Asshole. Well, blessed with a second chance at living, the boy goes on a date with a girl at the park. Inexperienced as he is, he only lightly kisses her forehead, unsure of where to target his smooches. This adorable little date is interrupted by a cop that strips down to his underwear and tries to molest the little girl (being that this is a Japanese movie, it is required to have at least one funny scene featuring a child molester). Well, our hero becomes frustrated by his failures with the opposite sex (and having to play second fiddle to a child molester), so he finally grows some stones and stabs the "cop" in the head with a butcher knife. As Alice Cooper so eloquently put it…"No More Mr. Nice Guy".

Courtesy of minusone66


Stabbing a police officer in the head with a knife seems like a big move from someone so seemingly timid, but let's take a look at the boy’s family life. An earlier scene shows the boy smacking his baby brother around because he tried to feel up his foldout centerfold. Under an umbrella of sexual frustration, the older brother snaps. Once the "turn" is complete, our hero becomes rebellious, whether talking back to authority figures, picking on nerdy students, getting into vicious fights with teachers, cutting open his parents skulls and replacing their brains with mystery goop, or killing and roasting the bird man like a pig on a spit, the "superhero" that saved his life. That'll teach him to stay out of other people's business, especially crazy people that are trying to kill themselves. So, we end up with one less nutbar on the planet. Big deal.

In Japan, if you start a fight with a teacher, both of you get put on super mop duty. Another reason why Japan is virtually spotless.

It is pretty clear where he gets these violent impulses from, as his parents seem to only be able to communicate through violent means. Mommy pummels the shit out of the baby when he acts up (even knocking his eyeballs out), and daddy goes ballistic when he sees his wife with her new blow-up doll that turns into a real man (Japan has always been a step ahead of us in terms of technology). I believe it was the great Japanese philosopher Banzai Hachimachi that said "violence is a vicious cycle, and when anyone tries to ride this cycle, they fall off and skin their knees of humanity". Boy, that zen stuff is deep.

Dad is a volcano of sexual frustration, so naturally his son follows suit. Look no further than the scene where the boy goes to a go-go dance club presumably to hit on women. Lo and behold, his dad is there, and he ends up challenging his son to a beer drinking contest. The little dude is victorious (and he gets to suck on some titty as a reward, which appears to be his favorite thing in the world to do), and dad can’t handle this kind of humiliation, so he drags his son outside and flattens him with a steamroller. This hardly fazes the youngster, maybe because he just chugged like 30 beers. Either way, flattening your son till he’s approximately the thickness of poster board is no way to positively channel your sexual frustrations. Also, it automatically disqualifies you from any “world’s greatest dad” awards or what have you. Later, they do bond and make up (even if for just a moment) by judging a topless beauty contest together. It would be easy to dismiss this family as fucked up beyond belief, but I wish my dad and I would've spent this kind of exciting quality time together.

If it isn’t already clear, Metta Meta Gakido Koza IS FUCKING CRAAAAAAAAAZY. Yes, even for Japan. Ever see Hausu? This movie is like watching Hausu jerk off to a cartoon version of Porky’s (I know that doesn’t make sense, but I think it’s fitting regardless). Unfortunately, the copy I have is in Japanese with no subtitles, and I don’t understand Japanese, so the movie might be even crazier than it appears at first glance. For all I know, the dialogue could include lines like “I sure had a CRAZY day at the office! We were busy making Mr. Suzuki some magic underwear out of squid eyeballs when a centaur ran into the office and started pelting us with kumquats. Luckily, the centaur was arrested, and was sentenced to spend 5 billion years inside of a giant peapod that rests inside of Jupiter’s core. Thankfully, we got to keep the kumquats.” No matter what your demented imagination might conjure up, it could never conjure up some of the stuff in this movie. I bet you’re wondering why you’ve never even heard of this movie. Well, not only was it never released in the west, it’s not even on IMDB. Even IMDB was like “no fucking way that movie exists”. I bet if you went through the looking glass and went on IMDB (assuming they have Wifi in there), Metta Meta Gakido Koza and Hausu would be the only two movies listed. Did I mention that there's a scene where someone goes bowling with a baby? I don't mean that someone brings a baby bowling, rents it shoes, buys it a fucking beer, and lets it take a fucking turn. No, THEY BOWL WITH THE BABY. All I can say is...god bless you, Japan.


  1. Thank you Japan indeed... also... what's with the Charles Bronson poster?

  2. @Kev
    Bronson was doing commercials in Japan at the time, so maybe he was popular because of that.