Thursday, May 12, 2011

ALIEN OUTLAW (1985) - if you're travelling light years just to shoot some rednecks in the woods, perhaps you need a hobby

Here's the awesome poster. Righteous! Dude...totally sold.

We all know movie aliens can be complete assholes. Despite the pretense of a higher intelligence, they usually come to earth just to kill humans. Typically, they'll have some motive in mind, whether harvesting their organs to create fossil fuels, or to prevent us from using nuclear weapons and ruining the galaxy’s atmosphere (editor’s note: writer is not a cosmologist). However, there are a few cinematic aliens that can’t even bother with a motive, and show up to earth and start killing humans just for personal entertainment. The most famous example would be the alien in Predator, and there’s also the alien from the Predator precursor Without Warning. Lost to time and taste in the “aliens being assholes for no reason” genre is Alien Outlaw, a backyard sci-fi/horror 80’s opus recalling the likes of Fred Olen Ray, but shittier, cheaper, and more nonsensical. Let that sink a little bit…a poor man’s Fred Olen Ray. Some might quip that a poor man’s Fred Olen Ray would mean that we are left with nothing but a blank screen. Sadly, I am not one of those people.

Usually, an asshole movie alien will simply use their superior technology to eradicate humans, whether ray gun or a ham radio that makes bubbles (see Robot Monster). However, with particularly low budget schlocky killer alien movies, they can’t afford amazing laser effects or ham radios, or maybe they want to appease the bloodlust of the gluesniffers that rent these movies on VHS, so they have the alien rip apart or claw it's human victims to death instead. However, Alien Outlaw is the one killer alien flick to avoid these two attack plans, instead opting to have the aliens use some six shooters they conveniently happened upon, plugging any random victims who happen upon the woods where they dwell (with some inexplicable alien rape thrown in to appease viewers who also inhale paint thinner). While original, this is also extremely unexciting (not including the rape), as the aliens stalk their prey, only to end up shooting them. Imagine if Jason Voorhees ran around the woods shooting teenagers. Pretty boring if you ask me (writer’s note: those who can’t write edit).

Well, these guns are an attempt to add some western flavor to the backyard sci-fi/horror film, along with some horseback riding (one of the aliens even rides a horse at one point) and appearances from 40’s B western stars Sunset Carson and Lash LaRue (who looks suspiciously here like the grandpa from
Silent Night, Deadly Night). The most important forced-in western element is our heroine Jesse Jamison, sort of an Annie Oakley with her ass hanging out.

She ends up besting the final alien in a western duel, which may seem like a moment of female empowerment, but, keep in mind, aliens don’t know shit about guns and dueling, so the alien was probably an easy target. Either way, Jesse is the sole reason to stay awake through 90 minutes of this foolishness, her sleek gams perpetually poised to thrust as she remains ready to cock her weapon. There are also some forced-in tits presumably to keep the audience awake (including some post-alien rape tits, if that counts). Did I mention the movie was 90 minutes long? A little tip for filmmakers: if you’re gonna go over 70 minutes, have a fucking plot. Thanks.

This is meant to distract us from prolonged backyard alien boredom. Of course, I'm referring to her hair.

P.S. There are other western/sci-fi B-movie hybrids out there, the best one probably being Oblivion (1994).

P.P.S. Alien Outlaw is not to be confused with the Galactic Cowboys, one of the most underrated bands ever.

P.P.P.S. Director Phil Smoot was also responsible for the much better The Dark Power (still crap, but much better), which has a similar flavor to Alien Outlaw, but consists of a group of young nubiles in a typical "spam in a cabin" plot. They are attacked by Native American zombies (must be one of those Indian burial ground deals), and Lash LaRue pops in to save the day with his trademark whip. Here's the trailer. Tom Bob says check it out...the trailer I mean.

1 comment:

  1. Perhaps there is something wrong with me, but I am very much intrigued by this movie and want to watch it. The poster hooked me, Lash LaRue reeled me in further, and "Annie Oakley with her ass hanging out" sealed the deal. Also, I might contend that a poor man's Fred Olen Ray is Andy Sidaris.