Wednesday, March 16, 2011

SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE III (1990) - Maria Ford versus a driller killer, and the winner is...YOU! (assuming you're a degenerate male pig)

The movie begins with a drawn out volleyball game (incredibly, it isn’t stock footage), with some girl eventually getting drilled through the seat of her car. To distract us from the complicated mechanics of the plot, further padding ensues with a driving montage through Santa Monica and Venice. I have to say, it’s nice to see a Slumber Party/Sorority House Massacre movie finally embrace its so-Cal roots.

This particular party includes the semi-legendary Maria Ford in an amazing Motley Crue groupie wig. Of course, she immediately starts stripping to some borderline hair metal, which is exactly the kind of thing you would see on the Sunset Strip circa 1990 (or now, for that matter). These awesome shenanigans are, of course, interrupted by three schmucks in horror masks who show up unceremoniously, later accompanied by several more "male gazers". You may have noticed a recurring theme within the Slumber Party Massacre series, that when hot girls put on nighties and start pillow fights, men start showing up as if their penises were compasses, hoping to catch a glimpse or two of a wayward beaver.

Thankfully, one of the schmucks manages to convince a girl to go full rumpage while some righteous rawk plays in the background. Unfortunately, she happens to be shot with a ridiculous body double. Watch as her hair changes color and also goes from straight to curly when her tits pop on screen. She also takes a bath, but unfortunately, a mad killer tosses in a plugged-in vibrator, and her body double gets zapped by a dildo. The group find the body and call the cops, but they pull the old “you kids better quit crank calling us porkers, we have important donuts to attend to” bit. Two of the guys decide to head to a construction site to grab some weapons, but one of them turns on the other, proving himself to be a prime suspect. He also has a van that contains a traditional candlelit psycho altar, which makes things convenient, as you don’t have to drag bodies to wherever your altar located. Also, he shows up back at the house and starts killing everyone, further arousing suspicion.

At one point, the lovely Maria offers up her tits to avoid getting drilled through the head, even getting stripped down to her g-string as a peace offering of sorts. Unfortunately, the rouse proves unsuccessful, as the killer must not be the fan of films like Stripteaser and Naked Obsession that I am. However, the girls manage to knock him unconscious and craftily trap him in a volleyball net, intending to drag him to those worthless cops, who will probably let him hang out in a mental facility for a couple of years before he escapes (assuming they ever get off donut duty). Of course, he jumps up and attacks, in full undying killer mode, and, just like the first movie, the lead girl savagely kills him with his own drill. However, she sheds tears during this animalistic display of survival, as apparently chicks have feelings even when they are killing people. The motive for this carnage lies in a photograph resting in the killer’s shirt pocket, but, frankly, I wasn’t paying attention. I'm sure it all made perfect sense within a scholarly psychological framework.

The director keeps thing innovative by using an extra red herring, and also by having the killer revealed half way through the film, as opposed to ten minutes before the end. I tend to think that the director was not too interested in the story as it was, so she wanted to inject some "freshiness" into the proceedings. It turns out I was right, as she's interviewed in the awesome documentary Some Nudity Required, complaining about having to direct a slasher movie. She points out the various misogynistic qualities inherent in these films, that torturing a naked woman before cutting her in half is exploitative and demeaning, blah blah. At least these films provide opportunities to young female directors. Feminism is about equal opportunities for women, after all, and this includes the right to make a movie about naked women being penetrated with a power drill. I know this seems contradictory and back asswards, but such revolutionary forward thinking occasionally requires one to think outside of the box.

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