If you’re anything like me, you’ve been royally disappointed with the taint-sploitation genre up to this point. There’s the Twilight spoof Taintlight, and the totally unknown Tainted Image, and the weak sequel to Addicted to Murder, Addicted to Murder 2: Tainted Blood. The best of the bunch is probably Tainted Blood (1993),a made for TV young adult thriller starring Kerri Green and Natasha Gregson Wagner (hotness alert, indeed).
Well, there’s a new entry into the pantheon, and it’s the purest expression of the genre yet. Now, technically, the movie is about cock, not the taint, but they are connected at the hip, so to speak, and a taint is not exactly the most cinematic thing around. When I say the movie is “about cock”, I sure as balls mean it. Granted, there are actual cocks (well, prosthetic ones) littering this cinematic landscape, but I’m speaking of a predominant theme at work, that of the male’s desire to have a bigger and better cock, and all of the horrors and shenanigans that can result. Many a small or dysfunctional penis throughout history has resulted in a destructive act, from date rape to an entire war, and The Taint takes this idea and writs it across a Crazies-esque horror film. That is, cock subtext rendered in in-your-face cinematic terms even the stupid can comprehend.
It should be noted that I don’t include modern porn when discussing the taint-sploitation genre. Let’s say some dude watches a double feature of “Sasha Grey – Diary of a Taint Muncher” (that’s gonna be one redundant diary) and Remains of the Day. When somebody asks him if he’s seen any movies lately, he’ll mention he fell asleep halfway through Remains of the Day, and completely leave out any mention of the Sasha Grey thing, regardless of whether or not he’s ashamed, BECAUSE IT’S NOT REALLY A MOVIE. It’s pretty much footage of people fucking, specifically the lovely Sasha and some lucky nameless chap. Any “plot” or dialogue is really in there so Sasha can get a breather (and those poor taints need a breather too).
The basic plot is that several scientists come up with some magic potion that can supercharge the cock, but things go awry, turning nearly all men into rapists and killers. Left to fend for themselves are a strong woman and an impotent male, as they are forced to use shotguns or whatever is at hand to destroy the many hard-ons they encounter. Interestingly, one group of rapists harass our male hero in much the same way he was harassed during high school gym class (includes a forced-in, yet no less righteous athletic rawk montage). This presents the male species as arrested juveniles sneaking a peek at their gym classmates in order to ridicule as a means of diverting attention. In other words, most men are solely obsessed with the inadequacy of their crotch, and cope by either making things miserable for others, or by cowering in defeat; the world separated into the alpha cocks and the not-so-alpha cocks. John Holmes would be a notable exception to this rule on account of…well, you know.
If this sounds all a little unsubtle and pornographic, well, you’re half right. As I said, dumb people will be able to grasp the unsubtle Freudian subtext, that of a world held in the terrorizing grasp of penis envy, but your normal viewer will quickly connect the dots and realize that, yes, the penis is evil incarnate and I have excepted this and since moved on with my life and...what the fuck is going on here?!? Perhaps the filmmakers should’ve started with a story about the fear of having a small cock and see where it goes, rather than making every scene about having a small cock, if you follow. The results are one note and in your face, seemingly a great base for a short film, but stretched out to 70 odd minutes. Then again, maybe that’s the idea. The male audience must be pummeled out of their cock obsession through visceral means, as mere rational persuasion has proved insufficient. Of course, women are therefore unlikely to find much here to sink their teeth into, unless they really dig prosthetic cocks. Or they’re dumb. Or both. Probably both.
In terms of it being potentially “pornographic”, whatever that means, the film is certainly not erotic in tone. The cocks and jizz on display is used to serve a gross out camp aesthetic, sorta like a Troma film, but to a different end. The spurting body fluids you might find in a Troma production are usually representative of the human body reduced to mere matter, if not mutated all together, in light of the modern industrial society and the resultant raping of mother nature. Here, the plentiful jizz on display, as well as the blood and vomit, are there to repulse the modern male out of his cock fueled skin, rather than, say, shame him into joining Greenpeace. Personally, I have a problem with watching spurting bodily fluids in cinema that aren't blood. I quite enjoyed the vast number of head crushes and other bits of gore, all impressively rendered (seemingly no CGI here folks, and all the better for it). I guess I’m just another male cretin, preferring violence over more harmless bodily functions, and the proof is in the cinematic pudding, so to speak.
The tone is one of John Waters-esque genre parody pushed into bizarre hipster territory. To put it another way, when you see Debbie Harry pop up in Hairspray with a ridiculous beehive, this is funny both in visual terms and as a parody of both movies and real life. Women actually wore beehives, just not quite that outlandish looking. However, the hero in The Taint wears a ridiculous wig, but it’s mostly just strange, not resembling any sort of "normal" haircut you would see nowadays. Now, granted, there are Brooklyn hipsters that no doubt have hair that looks exactly like the hero’s wig, but it is worn as an ironic hairstyle that is intentionally absurd, since no one would really style their hair in such a way…if that makes sense. To put it another way, a hipster might wear a Stryper t-shirt (see Whip It), not because he/she likes Stryper, but because no one fucking likes Stryper. Now, in fairness, the yellow and black attack sold records in their heyday, but even diehard Christians have since moved on to Shout at the Devil. They say to themselves "how could god exist in a world where music that shitty is considered holy?", and they would be correct.
Speaking of which, the soundtrack and score of The Taint is surprisingly good, appropriately featuring Bruce Cockburn, Joe Cocker, and Cock and Ball Torture. What a lineup. Woodstock can go eat a dick. Sorry...no, actually, none of those artists appear on the soundtrack, as it’s a low budget production unable to afford the likes of Cock and Ball Torture, but the no name bands brought aboard do a good job regardless.
It isn't hard to make the connection between Viagra and the wondercock injection presented in the film. Amusingly, there is a Nazi propaganda commercial used to sell this new drug ("don't be a faggot...get cock!", it proclaims). This is but an absurd variation on all those cock drug commercials we're already being deluged with, further selling the male on his penile inadequacy. To put it another way, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and I enjoy a good cigar except when it explodes. Alas, here is a film of exploding cigars. So, guys, let's watch our cigars, as an exploding cigar is a bad cigar indeed.
P.S. Click here to buy the movie and related swag. If you try and illegally download this movie, God will punch you in the taint. Thank you.
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