Friday, October 22, 2010

NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985) - the "Robot Monster" of the power tool-sploitation genre, and yes, that's a fucking compliment

Here's a trailer. Pay special attention to the combination of the score and the killer's roboto voice, an aural assault that, over the course of the film's runtime, will peel a layer of paint from your subconscious.

I'm the dirtiest foosball player the world has ever seen.

I was once hanging out in a Sears store, challenging any and all passerbys to a game of foosball on the display machine (don't ask). I got an employee to take me up on the challenge and, since I hate to lose, I employed every trick in the book. I used my whole arm to spin all the bars at once, and would also grab the opposite ends of the opponent's bars so he couldn't spin his own. For an extra boost I would distract my opponent by telling him that his boss was fast approaching and, when things got really desperate, I would employ my ultimate foosball maneuver: lifting the table. After all, I have to protect my goal at all costs. After a couple of table lifts, the dude said "I don't like playing with you!", and sulked off back to work.

Hey, it's called SKILL. Boo fucking hoo. Deal with it. Well, by virtue of a forfeit, I have claimed victory. SWEET FUCKING VICTORY! Check out my array of fist pumps.

Well, I was reminded of this rewatching Nail Gun Massacre yet again, being that the theme song is "Foosballin'". While the song is sorta fun by proxy, I have to knock it down a peg for being shitty and repetitive. Having said that, it's filled with lasers, and any song filled with lasers has to at least be pretty good (and some people doubt my taste in music).

There are some similar laser effects within the "score", some crotch pummeling electro-travesty (in a bad way), peppered with a robot voice soaked in reverb. It sorta sounds like an evil version of either Zapp or Roger (whoever was the robot). Lo and behold, the killer speaks in the same voice, constantly opening his mouth to unfurl one-liners and hateful puns. For example, some guy starts pissing in the woods and accidentally hits the killer's shoes with his stream (one of those wrong place, wrong time deals). The killer retorts with "you really pissed me off!", displaying the sort of wit rarely seen in films where white trash folk are shot with nails. In fact, that line may have originated with Dorothy Parker, but I'm too lazy to Google it.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Why would someone want to run around with a nail gun and shoot nails at innocent bystanders? The answer lies in the rape prologue, although it initially didn't occur to me that an actual rape was going on the first time I saw the film. It really is the least convincing rape in cinematic history. At first glance, it looks like a group of rednecks are helping a fully clothed women rub dirt on her pants. So, while the rednecks' rape of this innocent woman is no doubt evil, two wrongs don't make a right (unless the second wrong means killing Hitler, then it's totally cool).

Well, the whole film is a wonderful pile of disjointed regional trash. There is a subplot involving three teens who are planning a weekend in a house in the woods. They stop by a convenience store, where the lady behind the counter reads the following line off of a piece of paper: "Do you remember when you could sit outside and not worry about the mosquitos and the killers?" No I don't. I guess I wasn't alive during the olden times, when the world was safe and life made sense. You'd think these kids would end up being stalked by the killer in the woods, leading to a final showdown, but no. They just hang out for a while and then disappear halfway into the movie. Maybe they wisened up and got the fuck outta dodge. Who says white trash kids are dumb. There is also a primo white trash chick at the beginning of the film who shows off her surprisingly nice tits, saying of them "they're lonely! They need someone to play with!". Don't they all, honey. Don't they all.

Well, there are two clueless porkers (a cop and an apparent coroner of some sort) on the trail of the killer, constantly bumping into bodies covered in nails. A creepy old timer asks the coroner about a female victim "what do you think made all them" Fuck you, C.S.I. Miami.

The killings, though, aren't overly exciting. A dude'll get plugged by a couple of nails and then fall over dead. What a bunch of pussies. On top of that, you can clearly see these rubber nails jiggling as the dead victims try not to move. I guess it's harder to play dead than it looks. My favorite example is when a dude is murdered by the killer (who was hiding in a fucking pool), and his corpse falls on top of a grill, but he grabs a nearby fence to keep from falling over. Not only are multiple couples "nailed" during sex (it's one of those "pun-based witticism" deals), but, in a monumental stroke of genius, the killer happens upon two guys having a nail gun fight and joins in. I guess that would make the scene a post-modern take on the nailgun murder genre. Or maybe not. Either way, the world is a brighter/dumber place for this random pile of horseshit, and I'm glad to be able to partake of it yet again. It sure beats spending time with the family.

P.S. This is the second entry in my spectacular "Lazy Baker's Dozen Halloween Horror Marathon". Only nine more to go! YIPPEE! What hellacious fun!

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