ROCKTOBER BLOOD (1984) - when a metal concert includes actual murders on stage, it just makes you wanna headbang even harder

Here's the opening performance. My favorite part is when he screams like a cat being run over with a lawnmower.

Admittedly, Rocktober Blood is a title that perplexes me. Either it’s referring to A. a rock version of “October blood”, or B. blood being spilled during “rocktober”. Maybe it’s a play on “oktoberfest”, or maybe rocktober is an awesome heavy metal festival based around Halloween, and the “blood” part portends a horrific twist on this fun celebration. Perhaps I should just shut up and rock with my cock out, or whatever it is that the kids do nowadays.

Well, the band Rocktober Blood is laying it down at the recording studio (well, that question was somewhat answered pretty quickly), and the lead singer (Billy) is belting out some righteous power metal (“I’m Back”). He then runs off for a booty call (at four in the morning), as that is how rockers celebrate after they've layed down a scorching track. He leaves Lynn, the smoking hot brunette vocalist, alone to do harmony for their smash hit “Rainbow Eyes”. She quickly gets bored with her “art” and decides to hit the jacuzzi, showing off her other talents.

Billy quickly returns (he must be one of those “wham bam thank you” guys), this time wearing those reflective sunglasses. This is accompanied by a running visual motif where the light flares the lens to portend evil. It's rare that a low budget heavy metal horror movie would bother with such borderline artistic accoutrements. Well, for some reason, he kills off the other two people in the studio, and then sits at the control board and plays his performance backwards. He then pulls a knife on Lynn and slices through her shirt, phallically running the blade across her chest, telling her “I’m gonna show you what a rock n’ roll whore is all about!”. I guess these “whores” are supposed to enjoy being molested by sharp objects. Rebellious rock music sure can get kinky sometimes.

Well, it’s now two years later at the “Rocktober Blood tour press party”, and some metal dude is breakdancing with a monster mask on (it’s one of those crossover deals). A fake MTV veejay (Rick Righteous) wearing a sportcoat with the sleeves rolled up (of course), proclaims “I wanna get drunk and I wanna get laid” and also snorts some coke. God damn the eighties were fantastic. He explains that Billy was executed one year prior for killing 25 people two years ago (although we only saw two of these murders). I’m glad to see that an execution was pushed through instead of lingering for twenty years plus. Lynn is finally the lead singer of the band, renamed “Head Mistress”, which is mostly the real band Sorcery (they wrote and performed most of the music too). Her version of “Rainbow Eyes” explodes through the speakers, and everyone is rocking out without a care in the world, a sea of big hair and leather and spandex. God damn, cocaine must’ve been awesome.

Well, Billy shows up wearing a creepy mask and annoys Lynn, coming back from the grave to ruin her spandex coke party. Thinking she might be losing her marbles, she escapes to a studio in the woods to get away. She tries to get one with nature, but she can hear Billy’s cackling and the “I’m Back” song wafting from the trees, so she runs back to the studio to do some aerobics with her two friends (?). This proves relaxing for her, and also proves relaxing to audience members that enjoy sweaty spandex action. His “ghost” then crank calls her (that’s the kind of shit I would do if I was a ghost), cackling further and telling her “I want your hot steaming pussy blood all over my face!”. I guess that “Prince Albert in the can” stuff is old fashioned.

Billy, ever the devious malcontent, hides underwater in a boiling jacuzzi, waiting for one of the girls to get close in order to drag her under. Billy hides her body, and Lynn later gets naked again before trying to get in the jacuzzi (if you’re gonna keep going to the well, that’s the one you wanna to go to), but it’s mysteriously turned off, so, thankfully, she takes a bath instead. We get a close up of her ass, intercut with the other girl getting chopped up, her body shoved into a trunk. It may not be classy, but at least it’s awesome. Billy, wearing poseur Kiss makeup, chases Lynn around for a while. Her manager shows up (Nigel Benjamin, briefly the vocalist for Mott the Hoople, one of the best bands ever IMO) and frightens her, and she accidentally grazes his shoulder with a knife.

Well, Lynn is working out the kinks of her stage show while she debates with her crew whether or not Billy is stalking her, if she’s crazy, etc. She complains to the roadie that the stage coffin isn’t opening properly. We would hate for it to get stuck like the pod from This is Spinal Tap, because people will consider it silly at that point. She decides to dig up his grave to prove that the coffin is empty, but in her hysterics, she imagines that there’s a zombie lying there. In reality, however, Billy’s body is resting in the coffin, a class room anatomy skeleton wearing a red bandana. It’s nice to see that the state was okay with executing Billy while he was wearing his Axl Rose bandana. That is fucking metal right there.

So, all is right with the world, and they set up the big concert, pumping fog onto the stage and getting the neon fluorescents warmed up. Lynn erects her giant hair, and puts on her red leather pants, multiple cosmetic belts, and fuck me boots (I’m not sure what the technical term is, but you get the idea). Unfortunately, Billy shows up to ruin everything, sticking a hot iron against a blonde’s throat, which kills her instantly. Billy finally explains that he is actually Billy’s twin brother John, and he’s the one that actually committed the murders, and Billy took the fall. John was upset that he wrote all of the songs, yet Billy got all of the credit, so he killed twenty five people. I guess that makes sense.

So begins the amazing concert finale, which somehow manages to rock balls and be balls out concurrently. There’s the copious fog, the lights, and, best of all, five hot chicks wearing torn white dresses, chained to the stage. John (the fake Billy) is on lead vocal wearing a demon mask, singing “Killer on the Loose”. He stabs two girls with the mike stand and pulls out unidentified organs from each. He then decapitates another girl and throws her head into the crowd. Awesome. Keep in mind that this shit is FOR REAL. Well, sort of.

Lynn then pops out of a coffin dazed, but somehow gets tricked into thinking that every thing is ok. She rocks out on Rainbow Eyes as originally planned, while standing on what looks to be a moon crater, but it’s hard to tell with all of that fucking fog everywhere. Meanwhile, nobody seems to notice that there are three dead girls on stage missing organs and/or heads. Oh well, everyone is too busy ass rocking into oblivion, I guess. Fake Billy takes his mask off and starts pumping out “I’m Back” again. A dead serial killer is rocking with his balls out, and the rivetheads in the crowd are eating this shit up. Brilliantly, the handcuffing keeps the head roadie from attacking John with the only weapon at his disposal, an electrified Les Paul (I mean a Les Paul that will somehow electrocute you if touched). Lynn manages to escape, and fake Billy gets smashed over his head, but all this does is amp up his caterwauling. The audience still just excepts this as part of the show, a dead guy coming back from the grave to rip out girl’s organs on stage before getting smashed by a magical guitar. That there is a god damn rock n’ roll show.

Well, finally piecing things together, an important lesson emerges: don’t ever take sole credit for your homicidal twin brother’s ass rock compositions. Use the dual credit, that’s what it’s there for. In retrospect, the lyrics to the song “I’m Back” were a sure case of rifftastic foreshadowing, laying this drama out with stunning clarity. Now, I know what you’re thinking…riffs don’t have shadows. Look, lets stop it with the logical analyzation. Just pump your fists and play along. After all, metal health will drive you mad. I have no idea what the hell that means, but, then again…who gives a shit. Just...BANG YOUR HEAD!