Friday, June 4, 2010

C ME DANCE (2009) - Satan loves heavy metal and hates ballerinas

Here's a trailer for a ballerina vs. Satan opus that is filled with Christ-y goodness.

If some of us are riding the gravy train, poor Cheri is riding whatever the opposite of that is (maybe a biscuit moped). Her mother died in car accident when she was a baby, driven off the road by a possessed semi (a la Spielberg’s Duel). She manages to grow up healthy and stable, only to be diagnosed with terminal leukemia on the eve of adulthood. Worst of all, her dad has a horrible mullet that is totally inexcusable this deep into the aughts.

So, Cheri is now a pretty hot high school student (if she’s not at least 17 ignore that last part) who wants nothing more than to be a professional ballerina. Unfortunately, she faints during practice, and has to go the doctor for a battery of tests. Restless waiting for her results, Cheri and her girlfriends pass the time with a Christian “rawk” mall montage. They frolic about, trying some perfume samples, checking out the cute boys, before Cheri heads back into the doctor’s office to learn THAT SHE IS FUCKING GOING TO DIE. Figures…way to ruin an awesome day. Meanwhile, her father is trying to hook up with the female doctor, because, let’s face it, why bother writing in another character.

Cheri becomes royally miffed at this point, stomping her feet, yelling at people for no reason, and even punching a locker while yelling at her friends “maybe you should find another friend, because I’m not going to be here much longer!”. You see, she’s a church going Jesus fan, and can’t figure out why the big honcho in the sky would want to royally screw her over. However, she has a dream about saving her friend Ally from drowning, and therefore decides that God wants to her to “save” her (in the Jesus talk sense). Ally seems to have lost touch with the church (or might actually be an atheist, but I guess they can’t come out and say that), and Cheri is just the little proselytizer to get her on board the Jesus bus.

Not only that, she starts seeing some CGI visions, and this gives her some pretty vague super Jesus powers (some sort of laying on hands deal supplemented with mental telepathy). She even thwarts an evil high school couple by touching them and knocking the evil out of them (keep in mind I’m not a doctor). At the same time, her terminal illness seems to be improving. Maybe Jesus is rewarding her for converting people, and, therefore, doing these good works will help knock out that pesky leukemia. YAY!

Unfortunately, some dudes in leather trenchcoats are following her around, and they appear to be minions of Satan. They are probably not too keen on Cheri converting people to Christianity, and don’t even give a shit if she succumbs to a terminal disease. Assholes. Cheri and her father alert their local pastor, and he comes up with a brilliant plan. He shows them a flyer of a local battle of the bands (a guitar with the words “DESTROY! CRUSH! METAL!”) and tells her that, while most of the bands are “secular to say the least” (i.e. satanic schmucks), there is a Christian “rawk” band that will let Cheri on stage to preach and convert everyone to Jesus (it’s a given that only a “secular” audience would show up to a concert advertising both “CRUSH!” and ”METAL!”).

So begins her quest to convert the world. Apparently, she’s been showing up in public and casting her Jesus spells and what have you, but actually showing these scenes would be too cost prohibitive, so they just use the old timey trick of having people read newspaper headlines. Apparently:





Luckily, Cheri’s dad works in advertising, and hooks her up with a T.V. commercial to be run on every major network (minor networks are S.O.L. apparently). Unfortunately, Satan is still after her in his various manifestations, but she schools old Beezlescratch on the history of Jesus owning him, ending it with “YOU’RE SUCH A LOSER!”. She explains in the commercial that the leather trenchcoat dude is a manifestation of her own personal fears, a result of watching a horrifying movie with trenchcoat guys that she saw despite the warnings of her father. I’m guessing it was one of those Matrix sequels. Boy those were shitty.

Now Christmas morning, the new family unit (including the doctor chick) sits around in newfangled harmony, while the television, set to the exposition channel, give reports of churches filled to capacity. All is finally right with the world it would seem, and there are even presents to be opened…YAY PRESENTS!!! What did we get anyway…oh wait, Cheri drops dead.

What the fuck? Didn’t she uphold her end of the bargain? Anyway, Cherie finally gets to do her ballerina dance in heaven while her mother watches on. If you were paying attention, you would've noticed that "C ME DANC" was Cheri's personalized license plate number, despite not yet owning a car. I guess the plates for her non-existent car not only foreshadowed the future, but saw into the afterlife. Impressive.

I guess Cheri's heavenly performance is a reward in itself, but couldn’t God have let her live a long and fruitful life (at least until she became good at ballet), and then killed her off? Now the sad, vaguely creepy father with a mullet of despair is forced to live on without his wife and daughter. That hardly seems fair, although at least he has that doctor lady to hold him while he blubbers. I guess God works in mysterious ways, so maybe you should think twice before bargaining with the guy, or least make sure you get it in writing. However, don’t ever bargain with the devil. No matter how awesome the deal is on paper, that shit never works out.

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