SUICIDE GIRLS MUST DIE! (2010) - if the girls had gone through with their namesake, any threat of murder would simply be rendered redundant

Two girls argue about whether or not the realization that four of their friends were potentially murdered might be a cause for concern

As the world winds down towards the apocalypse, our species is starting to crave some peculiar forms of entertainment. Namely, those reality shows where they grab some cunts and stick them in a house with a bunch of booze. Unsurprisingly, this results in a lot of catfighting and what the divas term “drama”. Well, Suicide Girls Must Die! announces itself as “the first reality horror film”, despite coming after Blair Witch Project, Cannibal Holocaust, My Little Eye, et al. I think what they mean is that they’re presenting the first ever horror twist on that drunk diva Real World bullshit. I guess this makes the director (the pink haired Suicide Girl glimpsed in the film) a pioneer of sorts.

Well, our beloved Suicide heroes team up to shoot a calendar in some island house off the coast of Maine. They all pack into an RV with a seemingly unlimited supply of alcohol, and are hardly impressed with the podunk locals who don’t even know what a strawberry daiquiri is. Needles to say, they are forced to stop for a pee break, and do so at the edge of some woods in full view of any passersbys. One particular woman pulls up in her car to complain, ranting against these “tattooed whores” and their total lack of respect for the state of Maine. Her venting has little affect, but she alerts a state trooper who pulls them over and reads them the alcoholic diva act. One of them nearly retaliates by yelling at the officer, but her friends wisely tell her to shut the fuck up. It would appear that these scenes were staged, but regardless, they wonderfully capture the drunk cunt dynamic at work, a free spirit shackled to Jager shots and partying, completely disrespectful of anyone who doesn’t share the same philosophy.

I’m sure many would not decry such activities, as “girls just wanna have fun”, after all. My experience with reality shows is quite limited, but I remember watching a live feed for Big Brother, showcasing a group of human beings who apparently only exist to play beer pong and complain about each other; “Do you know what her problem is? SHE’S SO CONCEITED!”. I can’t think of anything more boring than living this “lifestyle”, let alone watching people partake of it. How about this for some “drama”: read a fucking book. Any book. I don’t give a shit what it is. Green Eggs and Ham…whatever.

Speaking of the Suicide Girls, it would seem at first glance that they’re a bunch of hot goth chicks that pose for artistic nudie-graphs. However, most of them don’t seem to resemble the goth chicks that I’m familiar with. I don’t get the vibe that they would throw some Bauhaus on the turntable and start cutting away, nor that their “style” (the tats and piercing and such) is a physical manifestation of their constant inner battle with death and misery. Rather, it mostly strikes me as a stylistic affectation used to separate themselves from the more typical Paris Hilton types who only have two tattoos (instead of 34). I guess it’s an issue of marketing, and certainly these young girls have displayed more entrepreneurial spirit than I’ve ever shown.

Well, as a shallow male, I guess I’m supposed to shut up and stare at their tits (with the occasional fur pie). Of particular interest to me is James, she of the tomboyish moniker and physique, and Fractal, who seems a tad bitchy but makes up for any deficiencies in character by being smoking hot. Also, I find the name “Fractal” intriguing, as you don’t usually find sexy chicks with names stolen from geometry. Maybe she’s intrigued by certain mathematical concepts, and has found a way to use one to express her inner compoundability. Then again, maybe she just thought it sounded cool. That might be it.

However, I can’t help but be distracted by the structure of the film. Like stated earlier, it’s a reality show with some horror movie elements forced in. They do the standard thing of having a “confession booth” where the girls comment individually on the narrative. While this helps develop the “characters” and provides exposition, it also betrays the “reality show” aspect of the whole thing. The girls just happen to tell the audience exactly what they need to know at any given moment, even if they logically would never have gone to the booth to vent on whatever topic is at hand. Then there is the problem of the horror movie scenes that don’t fit (logically or aesthetically) with the rest of the film. It would be an impossible exercise to break down the narrative logistics, but I’ll just add that I can appreciate the utter disregard for reality in this reality show enterprise, however accidental it may be.