In my review for the Ozploitation film Stage Fright aka Nightmares (1980), I lamented that my inadequate VHS tape was brutally panned and scanned from a 2.35:1 aspect ratio, but that there was a widescreen DVD release released in Australia. Unfortunately, importing that sucker would not have been financially feasible. We're talking like $25-30 maybe, which is fine if you're Scrooge McDuck, but I'm no Scrooge McDuck. Lo and behold, our good friends at Severin Films released it here in the States, and I picked it up for a reasonable $13 or so. To my splendid surprise, yours truly is quoted on the back of the box thusly:
"Awesomely sleazy...A stylish, violent psycho-sexual assault from our friends down under!"
However, I couldn't remember actually writing that. As it happens, I didn't really write that. Here's the actual passage:
"Regardless, the film is a stylish, violent, psycho-sexual assault wrung out of a hamfisted script that doesn’t really go anywhere. I guess it’s like an awesomely sleazy, but one-dimensional, giallo (albeit from our friends down under) masquerading as a slasher."
I don't really care that I was somewhat taken out of context. After all, as Joe Bob Briggs as often pointed out, "they don't call 'em exploitation films for nuthin'". So, it's within the realm of the expected. I just wanted to point out that I wasn't paid for that quote, nor did I even receive a free DVD. Now, I probably would have been honored to have my palms greased by the folks over at Severin Films, so here is a pre-emptive pull quote for their next release: "This movie released by Severin Films is better than Citizen Kane and The Godfather combined!!! I talked to Harry Knowles and he agrees with me! I swear to god!!!". Paypal is fine. Thanks.
You know, my high school English teacher Mr. Turtlesticks once told me that nothing I would ever write would be of any consequence to anyone. Well, Mr. Turtlesticks...the joke's on you. Nice fucking name by the way.
Starting in about a week or so, I will begin my 2nd annual "Lazy Baker Halloween Horror Countdown". That's right folks...eleven (count 'em, eleven) full length reviews of horror movies to bring us up to Halloween, the one night of the year where it is mandatory that you consume both candy and beer in copious amounts (although this also applies to Christmas for some of us). So, what will I review? Well, it's a goddamn secret folks. But, to give you a clue, it'll be one new movie, one really old movie, and nine that were made in the 70's or 80's (not that that really narrows it down). I know that seems lopsided, but I grew up watching 70's and 80's horror movies, so I guess I like spewing about those more than others. Alas, I remain stuck in my ways.
This is probably about the point where you begin to think that I'm clever for coming up with the idea of the "lazy baker" (that would be 11 donuts instead of 12 or 13), and wondering why I would apply a donut term that doesn't actually exist to a series of horror movie reviews. Well, it should come as a great surprise that, despite my relentless cleverness, I, in fact, did not conceive of this idea. It is the invention of one Jimmy Pardo, a damn funny comedian and host of the comedy podcast "Never Not Funny". Jimmy once lamented that his "lazy baker" concept never caught on, that he received looks of confusion and annoyance when attempting to order a lazy baker at his local donut shop.
Meanwhile, I refuse to let this concept die, imparting it on others with the hope that it will catch on and become a "thing". After all, a baker's dozen implies to me that the baker has been so busy making so many donuts that he is happy to throw in an extra one for his hungriest customers, where as the lazy baker can't be bothered to fill the minimum order of a dozen. This disparity, to me, is funny. This has nothing to do with movie reviews, but I look at it as a nice round set of ten with a bonus review thrown in for the loyal punters. You know, if you have to explain a joke in such naked detail, it's probably akin to that emperor who didn't wear any clothes, whatever the fuck his name was.
